'Dark passenger.'

For those of you that have watched or heard about the series Dexter, should know that its about a serial killer who calls his need to kill his 'dark passenger.' If you haven't watched it I highly recommend it. I am currently on series six out of eight and I am very much enjoying my Dexter journey!!
However like Dexter I too have a dark passenger.
(Don't worry this isn't a blog post where I share that I'm a serial killer and have killed over twentie five  people!!) #Awkward

My dark passenger is  very different however I would say there are some similarities. My dark passenger wasn't invited into my life, it isn't something I want, it gets in the way of normal life, it demands to be felt and it is something that I wish I could leave behind and live without.

My dark passenger is Depression. Most people who know me know that I suffer with Major depressive disorder. (Depression will do ^_^)

You might be thinking great Laura, why you telling us this... well there is a reason. With the help of social media I do believe there is less of a taboo on mental health problems, but I also believe there is still a massive wall for us to climb. I know so many people who live with depression or anxiety and are too ashamed or embarrassed to speak out, and literally suffer in silence. So I'm going to try and shed some light on what living with depression is like, in hope to help those of you that haven't experienced it to try and understand it. I know this is not an easy task because some people just don't get, and others won't get. maybe thats because they don't want to and believe that depression isn't a real thing and people just need to man up. (I've actually heard someone say this and for a while I believed this) To those of you who hold  this opinion, I ask you to have an open mind. Its the cliche saying 'just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't real.'  Believe me its real.

I was in denial for a long time. There was a part of me that believed depression didn't actually exist, and it was just people being mellow dramatic and needing to suck it up and get on with it. I mean really how hard is your life?!? This is not a helpful mindset especially when your being told 'Laura I think you have depression.' I was angry and frustrated. If Im honest, I was pissed off. I didn't want to have depression, I didn't wanna have to depend on pills or go to counselling or see a shrink. I didn't wanna have to deal with all that crap. Why couldn't my brain just be normal!?!? Maybe I felt so negatively about depression because people didn't talk about it, and when they did talk about it, it wasn't very positive or supportive. I had heard what people had said about people with depression, I knew what I felt about depression, I had seen what people were like with depression and I didn't want that. I didn't want people to think I was crazy...... There was of course another aspect of my life that I feel made it all the more difficult. I'm a Christian, and I had read article after article about depression and christians... or antidepressants and christians, and I have to say it wasn't all that helpful or supportive. I was already thinking man I'm a christian I have the joy of Jesus in me I don't wanna take pills to try and keep me happy..... However this changed when someone looked me in the eye and said,
'Laura if you break your leg are you going to go to the hospital and get it sorted or are you going to live in agony with a broken leg...'
Of course I said "well duhhhh I would go to the hospital and get it sorted I just broke my leg!!......"
"Exactly, depression is an illness that needs to be treated just like a broken leg...."

Shit.

They were right. I would love to say that after this conversation I walked away and got everything sorted. I didn't. I had a long and tiring battle. To which I almost lost. But thats a story for another time.

So depression whats it like? Many of my friends have asked me to explain it. Well this is me giving it ago. I shall be as honest as I can.

1) Depression doesn't give you a choice. It's inconvenient.

It doesn't tap you on the shoulder and say hey do you mind if I make you feel like staying in bed all day and not talking to anyone even though I know you have plans with friends? It doesn't say at 4am oh man I should let you get to sleep you've got work in 4 hours. It doesn't ask you if now is a bad time. It just decides that today you will feel like crap and doing anything will be twice as hard as normal.

2) Depression doesn't make sense, It lies and steals.

Yesterday I knew that my friends loved me and wanted to spend time with me. I knew that I wasn't a let down or useless, that I could do what I wanted to do, I could be anyone I wanted to be. But today I'm not even sure if my friends like me? Why am I even bothering with this I'm just a let down? I'm useless I'm not going to amount to anything. No one really cares!

Now I know there are some of you thinking yeah I feel like that sometimes but I don't have depression.... well the only way I can explain it is by using a chapter from one of all time favourite books. Heaven Eyes 

'I saw their eyes glittering, saw their raised claws glinting. They were creatures that had grown in darkness and desolation, mutant life forms, half-dead and half-alive. They grabbed at me as I passed by, they hissed my name, they tried to drag me to them, tried to make me theirs. I kept walking, walking, walking. I walked through my own mind, through my memories and hopes and dreams........... I went down into the deepest darkness until there was nowhere left to go...... The cold and stillness entered my bones. I lay there in the slime as the mutants gathered around me... I moved beyond words, beyond laughter, beyond tears. No hope. No joy. No life. Death grew all around and drew me in.'

Now that may seem all a bit ya know 'depressing' but when I was reading this chapter in my book I was left sitting there thinking that is one of the best descriptions I've ever read of depression. Its not a depressing book. Its a beautiful adventure story. But there in the innocence of this story is a really accurate description of what so many people deal with on a daily basis. Depression sucks you in, it lies to you and helps you to believe the worst.        

                                                               

3) You feel everything and nothing.

Some days you think about everything and anything, somedays every word someone says is either like a knife to the skin or a kiss to the lips. Other days you feel nothing. Words just roll off you, your not happy your not sad your just there. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.... This is possibly one of the most difficult things to explain. I used to imagine that people with depression were just like really sad all the time... and for some that is the case. Some people cry, they cry a lot and are really sensitive. I sometimes get like this, but most of the time I feel nothing. Im still trying to decide which is better. This quote is one of my favourites because its the bittersweetness of feelings. I have been taught to 'stuff my feelings' but you know what sometimes they come in handy.

They say you appreciate something when its gone right? The hardest thing about being numb is when your with friends and your having a 'good time' and your laughing and everyone is laughing but really your just going through the motions and as soon as they leave you back to just being.....

4) Depression doesn't do breaks. 

You know that second when you wake up, but before you have fully woken up, where in that one second you haven't thought about the day or yesterday, that second before your brain has fully kicked in and your just you, that second,,,, is my favourite time of day.
Depression doesn't just go away when you want it to. It doesn't care. It needs you. There are times when I wake up and I just wish that today I could just be normal. I could get up get out of bed go to work hang out with friends and it all be fine. That I wouldn't have to fight anything. I wouldn't have to dig really deep to find the motivation to get dressed. I wouldn't have to pretend to be happy or enthusiastic, but that I would just be happy and enthusiastic.

PLEASE....
Please hear me when I say, It isn't always this bad. Please don't think I sit in my bed everyday wishing I was dead, or that there is no joy in my life. Please don't think that when you have depression life is over and that all those things listed happen. Everyone is different. AND there are so many things you can do to help yourself! Antidepressants is just one way to help. But the truth is everything effects everything. The food you eat, the people you hang around with, the stuff you read, the stuff you watch the exorcise or lack of that you do. It all really does have an effect on you, your body and your mind. Depression can be controlled, it doesn't have to control you. There will still be bad days but they are less.

This has just been one girls honesty about depression. Please don't take what I have said as the gospel truth.

There is one more thing I want to say, If you are reading this and you love someone with depression, please hear me when I say you are valued and amazing. It isn't an easy thing to do. Especially when you can't understand what goes on in their head. Please don't give up. Look after yourself yes! Healthy boundaries yes! But please don't give up on them. We need people like you. I can honestly say, if it wasn't for some of my friends i wouldn't be alive today. You never know how much of an impact your words are going to have on someones life. Words have the power to build up or break down. Choose to be a builder.

To my Friends and family.

Thank you, thank you for loving me when really I have been unlovable. Thank you for supporting me, for reminding me of the goodness, for being with me when I am #needy. For being there for me when I've needed it. Thank you for being patient, thank you for not quitting, even when i have tried to. Thank you for sitting with me in the darkness and helping me to look up. Thank you for the hope.
Please know I love you, i value you and i appreciate you.


'Erin Law! Erin Law!
her voice echoed through the alleyways and buildings and found its way through the dangling door, past the ghosts and mutants, into my deep darkness.'

Words are powerful.

God Bless

LOOK UP

This topic is something really close to my heart, people who know me, know that I love people, I love to be around people, laugh with people, serve people, help people, care for people and all other things you can do with people. However there is a group of people that have stolen my heart, these people are 'young people' I have a passion for young people, especially the young people who are;

Lost, hurting, confused, abused, forgotten, unloved, depressed, broken, bullied, outcast, addict, drunk, druggie, abusive, violent and ungrateful. 

Young people are the next generation of people, their the future;

Doctors, carers, police officers, nurses, teachers, lawyers, paramedics, judges, cashiers, shop assistants, scientists, inventors, artists, writers and all the other jobs. 

This is why I love them, I look at young people, even the ones described above, and all I see is potential, I see the people who one day I shall look to for help, so while I can and while I am capable I want to help them, encourage them, support them and be there for them. Jesus is there for everyone, and we are his hands and feet....

I'm going to talk about something that may seem off topic, but actually this 'thing' is consuming our world, its disconnecting us from each other, this 'thing' spreads like poison and is more addictive then heroin, most people don't even realise it. 

What do you do before bed? what is the first thing you do when you wake up, before you have even gotten out of bed? What do you do when you are on the train or on the bus? What do you do when you feel awkward or uncomfortable? What do you do in the doctors surgery while you wait? 

This 'thing', is teaching our children and young people that its okay to sit in doors all day, apposed to being with friends and family, this 'thing' has made us the most connected and most disconnected generation to ever walk the earth.

Have you figured it out yet? This 'thing' I am referring too is our phones, our iPads, our computers. This 'divide of delusion' that we use everyday to stay 'connected'.

The other day I was at a small house party, and in one of the quieter moments between people 'raving' i glanced round to see everyone in the room on their phones. It was crazy there we were a room full of friends and a room full of antisocial friends. I find myself often saying enjoy they people in the room!! not the ones on your phone! I know I not innocent of this, and I hate it! so much!

I came across this video a week or so ago and I've watched it like 15 times! I think its brilliant! So this is why I am blogging about this subject. below is the link to the video

LOOK UP

Are there times where you find yourself in a social situation but sit on your phone?

Enjoy the people in the room, not the ones on your phone.

God Bless

'Everything Everywhere'

So I don't normally review things other than books really, and I haven't done a book review on my blog yet.... But right now I'm going to share my expierence of a certain company, that has angered me greatly, they false advertise and i am fairly dependent on them everyday!!

This company is the phone network EE! Oh my gosh I can't explain the frustration I have with them. I know everyone has different expierences with their phone companies and some of you may sing EEs praises, I  however do not.

What a lie

The signal has been dreadful to the point that having a phone is redundant, 4G.. What even is it? I've never got it on my phone turns out my area does not even have it!

What frustrates me isn't that signal is crap and my 4G, and most of the time 3G is awful it's that EE means 'everything everywhere' I get nothing anywhere!!!! It infuriates me! And the customer service hasn't been great either I was talking to one of the customer service people and they just left half way through! Not to mention the up in phone contract price! I wouldn't mind but my phone contract is ridiculous! 

So I am strongly advising people don't go with EE, there not that great, right now I dont have full signal and honestly I don't think I ever have. What a disappointment! 

Have you had any bad expierences with phone contracts please share in the comments!!! 

God bless  

Taxi drivers....

Okay so I have a theory that I would like to share with you.

Taxi drivers are going to take over the world. 

Think about it some people get scared that the world is going to be over taken by aliens or whatever else, but if All the taxi drivers in the world out their heads together on some big ass Facebook group set to private we could be doomed. They quite possibly could know every road ever! All the shortcuts... Well long cuts. Deserted places..... It could happen you know! 

Also, isn't it annoying that when it hits about midnight and the roads become quite'er taxi drivers are EVERYWHERE! And they act as if they own the bloomin road... Now I know I just blogged about gossip and slander, Im not trying to slag off taxi drivers, I just think there all aliens that may take over the workd. 

I haven't quite decided what they shall do once they take over the world but I'm sure it will be exciting.  Hopefully Jesus will rock up before the taxi drivers realise the power they hold in numbers.

So yes taxi drivers are aliens and they shall take over the world.

God Bless the ramblings of a tired student. 

How does Moses like his tea....

Hebrews it!!!

WHEYYY!

Okay this is a terrible joke not just because it's a cheesy Christian one, but also because Moses wasn't even Hebrew! I'm pretty sure he wasn't anyway! 

There is a reason I started with this awful joke, I have just been reading Hebrews 12 1-13, wow. It's not like majorly spiritual or even that deep but it really just made things click in my head.

Vrs 9 'We have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it.'

Okay maybe we didn't at the time and the Bible takes that into consideration, because in Vrs 11 'no discipline seems pleasent at the time, but painful.'

When you are being disciplined or suffering consequences for past actions it is really friggen hard! Sometimes it really hurts too! Over the summer this was deffinatly something God was teaching me, I think I blogged on it... Yeah it's called consequences! Funny that! Anyway, what I liked about this section in Hebrews is it's saying endure the hardship, God is treating you as his children! And also it says that God disciplines us for our own good! 

Vrs 10 earthly fathers discipline is for a little while as they thought best, but God disciplines us for our own good, that we may SHARE in his holiness. 

I know a lot of people who struggle to relate to God as their dad, but ultimately that is what he is the dad of dads....he is the ultimate dad! Everything he does is for our good! It's not because he wants to hurt or punish us or watch us squirm in pain and be unhappy, he wants us to grow be strong, learn and SHARE IN HIS HOLINESS! 

The other half of Vrs 11 says later on, 'however, it produces a harvest of rightousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.' 

Discipline is a good thing, it helps us learn and grow. The reason why I'm blogging about this is because to some of you this may be really obveiouse but it just clicked in my head. 

I had God down as this father who is gracious, loving, loyal, slow to anger, just, rightouse, holy and the list goes on. 

He is all those things but because he is our father and just and loving and all the rest he disciplines his children so that they can grow and learn and share in his holiness. 

It can be really hard to understand why someone who loves you is disciplining you, when your in the middle of discipline or dealing with the consequences of your actions, but actually you will grow and be a better person because of it. And also God is so gracious that you will still go on to do amazing things even if you did bodge something up significantly well! Believe me my life is loving proof of that! 

So if you take anything away from this it's that God is the dad of dads.

Tongue....

Us girls love to talk. We love to talk about everything, clothes, boys, TV, celebs, food, houses, cars, beauty and money. Ultimately though we are very good at talking about each other.

Gossip. 

It is poison amungts friends and sweet amungts enimies. 

I have been really challenged by the things that come out of my mouth and the big book is always telling us how powerful our words are and what comes out of our mouths! I found over 100 verses in the Bible that talk about the tongue and our words! Over 100! 

One that really stuck out at me was;

Matthew 12:36-37 

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Wow, someone once said to me or I read it somewhere, imagine if All the words we spoke we're written on our bodies for all to see....' We would so think twice about what we would say. 

It's really easy to get sucked into a bitching session or sharing a juicy bit of gossip about someone, I know because I do it! 

I have seen people's lives been run and ruined by gossip. Truly a life of misery. It builds no one up because not only have you just slated a friend or even a complete stranger like celebrities, okay so we see and hear a small portion if their lives and how often do we hear someone say so and so is such a bitch! What a slag... Like Miley Cyrus what a dick, half naked on a wrecking ball seriously!? 

And yes she was a muppet to do that (in my humble opinion) but be don't actually have a friggen clue about her, her life, family, background her character which is fundamentally what makes us who we are. We only see what she and the media want us to see. 

But you have just betrayed, trust and also shown the people around you that you do gossip and slag people off and ultimately if you can do that about someone else with them, then who's to say you don't do it with someone else about them! Trust is broken.

This was just an example of how easy it is to gossip and slag people off. But that verse is saying well by your own words you will be judged. This is what helped me get my head around the whole love God fear God thing. I was like how can I fear him  and love him!!! 

The only way I can explain it is like when you do something quite bad wrong and you need to tell your dad and you know he's gunna hit the roof but ya gotta tell him and your scared, it's kind of like that, you still love him but gosh in that moment the fear takes over and you start practicing that little speech of, ah dad I'm so sorry I will never do it again please forgive me I will do anything you want cut the grass... Ect. 

Our words are powerful. What we say about each other is so important! My DNA year tought me that. Just think about things people have said about you good or bad they stick. If you tell someone they are ugly all the time there going to start to believe it and that's because they are powerful! 

Gossip is one of the things the devil loves the most because he doesn't even have to do anything he just sits back and watches you destroy each other, it breaks my heart the things that come out of my mouth sometimes, i really need to think before i speak!! 

I'm asking God at the moment to search my heart and to help me to become more aware of what I say and who too. 

Is there anything that you want God to search your heart for? 

Anything you do that you know isn't good for you or the people around you? 

Just something to ponder on! 

God bless 

TFTC

I'm not sure how well known this whole geocaching thing is but I absolutely love it! I have only known about for a few months now, and like everyone in my life has never Hurd about it! It's amazing! 

So if you don't know what it is, I describe it as like a massive treasure hunt all over the world! Where you basically go places and find various shaped and sized boxes,containers, film canisters Ect and they have little goodies in, you sign the log book and you swap, so you can only take something out if you put something in! 

It is so much fun aswel! It gets you out the house and exploring! Now I don't know about you, but I LOVE adventures, the people that know me well know that if you say adventure I'm there! So this is a great way of going on little adventures and the best thing about it is, ITS FREE! (unless you drive some where then petrol)

It's great to take kids aswel, they get to look and get really excited about finding one when they do! 

I'm 21 and me and all my friends of various ages love it! The pastor and his wife of my church up north did it all the time all over the world! 

But Do you know what I love most about the whole thing? 

Is that it has restored some of my faith back into the world. I love the fact that I haven't come across a single geocach that isn't there because someone has stolen it or ruined it, that people respect it and enjoy it, and help others to enjoy it too! It would be so easy for someone to ruin it and steal, I'm sure it has happened but I am yet to see it! That makes my heart so happy. 

It may only be something small but it reminds me that the world isn't all bad, and that actually something really simple like hiding a sandwhich box in the woods has been going for a few years and it hasn't had to stop due to people stealing or ruining it! 

1000s of people take part all over the world! I was completely blown away by it when I Hurd about it and everytime I actually find a cache it makes my heart smile that little bit more at the fact it is still there! 

If this is your first time ever hearing about it check out the website - http://www.geocaching.com

Or download the app at the App Store! 

It may change every walk or holiday you ever go on! 

Some little tips that I've picked up;

Don't let people know your geocaching while your geocaching, be discreat, I'm not sure why that's a thing maybe it's to prevent people who don't know and love It from finding it and taking it away as some cool thing they just found! 

Make sure you put something in before you take something out! There are a lot of families that do this so it's really nice to keep things in to if not for the adults but for the kids! It must be the coolest thing ever to find something and get to take a bit of 'treasure' out of it and home with you! Also kids probably put some of there favourite things in those little boxes! 

And the rest I'm afraid you will have to find out on your own! It's really fun trust me and the geocaching world is so lovely! So if this has inspired you then I am glad! Enjoy your little adventures! 

Here's some snaps from geocaching! 

God Bless

New season

Wow what a rollercoaster couple of months it has been!

I've lost my job and moved back down south! Not to mention essay deadlines! 

All this means I have just been awful at keeping my blog up to date. Now that I have the mobile app this means I can blog wherever whenever, which is really handy for me as I like to write things in the moment as apposed to after! Especially When God is talking to me! 

So what's been going on, well as I said I've lost my job, there are many reasons why all of which will help me grow! It was a sad time saying goodbye to all my northern family, friends and young people, I had finally made myself a nice little life up there I was really happy! God had really broken my heart for Lymm and all the young people, so it was really really hard to leave, however It has been an amazing faith growing year and a half up there! It has not been easy, far from it but I am glad I've been though it! I have had to do a lot of growing up to do, It's scary being a grown up. 

So I now live with my parents again, that's really wierd! It's been almost 3 years since I first moved out on DNA and although I have popped back for holidays and stuff it's odd living here. Mum and dad don't know Jesus yet, so it's an interesting dynamic, especially when we talk about jobs and money! 

I thank Jesus that I have friends and family to come back too! I may be jobless but there is so much to be thankful for! : ) 

I did get a new hamster just before I left the north! So I have a bit of the north with me : ) 

This is Gordon George (baby GG) I just call him George he's very cute! : ) 

So my plans, well I have one more 6000 word essay to submit then I have finished my diploma but I'm pretty sure I shall carry on to do the degree, I know I'm not great at a lot of things but if I have learnt anything over the last 18 months it's that God has given me a heart for young people, the young people that the media always paint in black and that people in public would cross the street to avoid. They are who I want to work with. I have a lot to learn and a lot of growing up to do but I am so excited for the next chapter of my journey with Jesus! Is shall so my best to keep this updated! : )

Thanks for reading! 

God bless 

Laura-Ann 

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