A life in cameo....

I am a firm believer in showing appreciation for the people in my life that deserve it. In the past I have blogged about my friends and written open letters to them, in hopes that in some small way they can see the gratitude I have for them. It seems like such a small token of appreciation in comparison to the things I have put them through, and the things they have supported me with.  

So in line with this let me tell you about my soldier friend. 

He has been my friend for six years now, which in the grand scheme of life isn't majorly long, however a lot has happened in the past 6 years. It all started at college, he was one of three guys studying child care, I know right brave lads. poor guys didn't stand a chance. Nevertheless we hit it off and he became my best friend. To be quite honest we were inseparable. I don't think there was one day for that entire year where I didn't see him. I stayed at his, he stayed at mine, he rang me on his walk to and from work. On the outside people would say we looked like a couple. There was a point where I did want him more than a friend, however he made his feelings towards me very clear. He became my rock and I depended on him for pretty much everything. If I was feeling low he would play the guitar for hours over the phone and we would just chat. He was my rock. To be completely honest I leant on him far to much, it was way to much for any 18 year old boy to handle. It all came to a head when I was rushed into hospital following an overdose. My parents went to collect him form his house and I will never forget his face as I was wheeled through. He was angry, disappointed and hurt. We ended up having a fight outside the hospital, it wasn't pretty. From there he didn't talk to me for a while, I guess he just didn't know what to say. He had done everything he could to help me and I guess my overdose was a massive punch in the face, so i guess he felt like he could do no more. It was a rough couple of months of the silent treatment but we got through it. He then joined the army. When he first told me he was joining I was heart broken, I panicked and didn't know quite what to do, but he was excited and set on the idea, and of course with his determination he got in. 

A life in cameo.

I would love to say that once he joined the army we stayed in contact loads but we didn't, and in many ways I'm glad we didn't. We had the odd conversation but nothing major. I would hear about his adventures that the army took him on, and I would fill him in on my adventures. The army took him to Germany where he lived for three years. It wasn't until 2015 that we started talking on a more regular basis. I am so glad we got back in touch. Its nice to have him back in my life, although he has this ability to make me feel oh so very small but then in the next breath feel me with confidence. With one hand he takes away and with the other he gives. We often argue about me singing, you see he thinks I can sing and often tells me that I just need the self confidence to get up and sing behind the mic. I tell him every time that this will be something we shall never agree on. The biggest thing he does of recent is bully me for being 'hipster' which can I just clarify is complete rubbish. He even started a blog where he talks about my 'Hipster life'. 

A life in cameo most certainly changed him, and in a good way. He has done a lot of growing up and matured in many ways. Even in the way he deals with me, he has a lot more patience. His words are kinder and his knowledge is broader. The army has done him the world of good. His life in cameo is almost over and I am so excited for his next adventure, he has that determination that I saw in him five years ago before he started the army, and I know that what he's going for next he will ace. 

Despite the nagging of singing and the wind up of being hipster he is quite frankly one of the most genuine of guys and I have the pleasure of calling him my friend. My life is a lot better with him in it than without. Who else could I FaceTime for over 7 hours, or talk to on the phone while he drives across the country. He makes me laugh and he always, always gives me sound honest advice. He isn't afraid to tell me what I don't want to hear and I know he has my best interests at heart. He has helped me through some of the darkest times in my life and he is still standing by side telling me when I'm being a complete idiot. I will forever be grateful for his friendship, and I hope he is still around in 6 more years.  

He is the type of guy that gives the beggar on the street the time of day and discovers that he used to be a vet. There is no one else I know that would have even give that guy a chance let alone hear his story. 

Babe's it is always a pleasure. I love you princess. 

The Click....

The click...

This year I decided it was time to venture into the dating scene. Flip me I felt like an alien who had just landed on earth. So much to learn. It's funny because when people used to talk about the dating 'world' I often did an internal giggle, as if to say well it can't be that bad. Oh how I was wrong. The dating world is a weird and wonderful place full of both incredibly simple and severely complicated individuals. It is a complete train wreck of people and does a successful job of messing with ones brain. 

So I've been 'dating' for only about 4 months now, and it took me a while to even have the balls to go on a date with a guy. However now I have been on a few my friends are pretty sick of me talking about them. I think they are also sick of me getting messed around. But the thing that annoys them the most is when I come off a date and they ask how it went and I say, well we just didn't click. They all sigh and roll their eyes and say well you need to see them again! Give them another chance! 

No. You may disagree but I'm a firm believer that if you just don't 'click' on the first date what's the point in the second. Now by click I don't meant fireworks and passion and I want to marry this guy, I mean conversation that flows, laughter and the wanting to get to know them more. You know it's been a good date if once it's over there is a part of you that wants to see that person again, and get to know more. Now I'm no dating guru but I know if I get on with a guy or not. 

The one thing about the dating world is just how much it makes you look at yourself. You start to think gosh can I be a girlfriend and all of a sudden you realise just how strange you are... well I do anyway. I am so strange! My friends call me unique and special bla bla but basically they just don't even know how to describe me anymore. I don't know my left from right. I can't say the word cinnamon, or spaghetti, or millionaire. I trip over nothing, my geography is appalling and I say the first thing that comes into my head. The flip side of dating is not only do you look at yourself more but others look at you more! (kind of how it works) and sometimes it feels like you are under a microscope. I have been called fat, ugly, obese, wonky, too nice, to caring, up tight, crazy.... (it hasn't all been bad I've had some nice things too) and sometimes you are left feeling updatable, unlovable and an alien to the world. 

I have come off dates and second dates and thought, what did I do wrong? What do I need to change? In fact every time it doesn't go well I question myself. The biggest one is am I too 'nice'!? Well what bullshit. I mean I'm no angel but I will give people a chance and I ware my heart on my sleeve. I've tried playing hard to get and be a bitch and yeah it does work to a degree but it's not me. I refuse to let my heart become hard because guys claim they don't want nice girls. I'm hoping that even though I feel like a doormat that it will pay off. 

I'm not looking for a fairytale I'm just hoping there is someone equally as messed up as me. Someone who's crazy matches mine. I don't want perfect I just want honest. Dating is complicated and messy but we have all been there.

I am a John Watson in a world full of Sherlock's.

So the click. Do you agree? Or disagree? 

When Rock Met Bottom.

You know the thing about hitting rock bottom is that you start to look at things in perspective. My life isn't bad, however there was a time when I thought it just wasn't worth living anymore. I felt like I had almost nothing to hold on to. I didn't have my health, my job, my independence, my family's health was bad and although my friends loved me I couldn't bare putting anymore of my drama filled life on them, especially my best friend. He had come with me to all my hospital appointments, checked on me when I had been ill, caught me when I passed out, held my hand when I had been in pain and hugged me when I cried.

There was this one day in particular. We had, had to drive to Epping so I could go to another hospital appointment, this one was a brain MRI, he sat with me while I bounced my leg with nerves and comforted me, he literally caught me as I passed out, out the front of the hospital, he drove and he was the calm in the storm, it had already been a Laura 'drama' filled day and it wasn't even lunch time yet. We talked in the car on the way home, I tried to tell him how much I appreciated all he had done and I apologised. He told me I didn't need to apologise, it wasn't my fault, he always said the right thing. Once we got home I had to chill after passing out, we sat on the sofa watching Bridget Jones because that's what I wanted to watch. Then the phone rang. I answered, it was my Mum. I remember the words my mum saying feeling like punches to the face. Mum had been diagnosed with cancer. I didn't know what to say or do. The conversation was short, I remember looking at him and thinking fuck. He was watching Bridget and I said "that was my mum, she's got cancer". I remember waiting for him to respond but he didn't, he didn't hear me he was too engrossed with Bridget, I warned him that would happen. He turned and looked at me and said sorry what did you say, "mums got cancer" I repeated, he just grabbed me and I cried. He hugged me and stroked my shoulder and didn't let go. I sat there and cried for over an hour, I cried until I fell asleep. He just sat and hugged me until Bridget Jones 2 finished, we started on number 1. The thing about that day is it was in the middle of summer it was so warm. So cuddling with anyone is not what you wanted to be doing, and when you cry you get all hot and blotchy and I wasn't crying I was sobbing, that silent cry that comes from deep within. And then I slept. He let me sleep, he knew I didn't sleep and even though he was sat there sweating he let me sleep and continued to hug me. He sat and let my cry into his t-shirt while he watched the chick flicks I wanted to watch. I tried to apologise but he just said it was all okay.

What he doesn't know about that day is that if it wasn't for him I would have given up that night. It was the straw that broke the camels back. I was heart broken. It's weird because even though we had spoken about cancer before, it had never been confirmed. No one prepares you for it. I'm grateful it wasn't serious! Skin cancer, just on the nose. I think it's just the words. No one prepares you for those words.

It truly felt like my whole world was falling apart we had just found out that my dads heart wasn't getting any better and the words heart failure where put on paper and it scared me and my mum. It felt as though anything I tried to hold onto crumbled, sleep, food, my health, driving, work, money, family. It felt like everything I attempted to hold onto broke or was taken away. There's this joke that I'm an independent black woman, and even though I have always struggled with various things and lent on my friends it's because I knew I could, it felt like a choice. Now I had too. I didn't have a choice, and if I'm honest I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to be the patient, I had to eat a whole load of humble pie. Passing out in social situations filled me with terror and shame. Not being able to drive frustrated me and made me feel incompetent. Not being able to sleep, well it drove me crazy. The one thing I did to make the whole thing worse was try and 'control' my eating. I thought I was in control, my best friend he knew I wasn't, he knows I'm not. But he still looks me in the eyes after I've said I need a wee after a meal and I can see it. I can see the frustration, the hurt and the love.

When people ask me why I did it, I say I'm not sure, I think it was a mixture of things that lead me to fight for my life in intensive care. Yes that is true, I felt like I was going through hell. But if I had to really think about it, it was because I knew my friends were getting wise to my habits and it hurt them. I didn't want to lie to them, ever. For me honesty is the most valuable trait, yet I was a living lie. Hypocrite. I also couldn't bare my friends watch me deteriorate. I honestly believed that it would be better for everybody if I was dead.

So I sat in my room and I popped all the pills. I wanted to die, I was tired and fed up and I felt like I had been engulfed by a black cloud that wasn't going away. Two of my bested friends came to my house and saved my life. They knew immediately that something was wrong. My best friend drove me to hospital like a mad man and if I'm honest I don't remember the 24 hours that followed. I remember bits and bobs, I remember opening my eyes at different times and seeing my closest friends with their head in their hands. My parents heart broken. My best friend was sat with his arms on the side of my bed his head down his hands in front of him and I've never seen him so, so, hurt. My life long best friend sitting opposite him showing her strength keeping it together, I remember freaking out as she stood above me and shouting that she wasn't her. She had to leave. My other friend putting on a brave face but I knew just by looking at her that she wasn't sleeping and was worried sick, they all were. I woke up in intensive care attached to ever machine going oxygen tubes up my nose, drips, heart monitors, catheter. I felt like I was in a an episode of greys anatomy. I remember thinking, how, why am I alive. Why are my friends here, I don't deserve them, they don't deserve this. I was in the ICU for three days. And so were my best friends, they didn't really leave the hospital for the three days. During the visiting hours I was never alone and I between them, they were either in the waiting room or bobbing out for food.

On my second day a nurse said to me that I was very lucky, she said I see a lot of people come through the ICU but I don't often see someone with as many visitors like you, you are clearly very loved. You would think this is where I say that my life was changed, that my eyes were opened, However that first night where I could think again I lay there in agony, it hurt so much it hurt to move, to breath. I was sat there crying, sobbing wishing I had died. I didn't want to live, so why on earth was I still alive. I remember thinking about my friends and having to grab one of those weird kidney bean shaped sick bowls as I was convinced I was going to throw up. The nurse cam and Injected me with anti sickness, but I knew there was nothing that could take this feeling away. I couldn't sleep and for the whole three days and I ate nothing other than two cubes of Galaxy.

I can say now a month later that my eyes have been opened, my friends love me and life will get better. It's not easy and there are still days that I wish I had died, but I'm hoping over time and with the right support that thought will diminish. Suicide is not the answer. I thought I was doing my friends a favour but as they have told me, if I had died it wouldn't have helped any of them, it would have broke them. Each of them in their own way has given me an I love you and I'm so glad you are alive speech. I tell them I love them everyday, and I always ask what did I do to deserve them. Their answer is always the same, just by being you.

It hasn't been all hunky dory, I have lost people, people that I never wanted to lose. My family, well we will never be the same. It's messy and it's hard. So to those of you that love someone with a mental illness, don't give up. We need you. We need you to be honest with us, even when it's hard, and it will be. We need your love, encouragement, reminders and most of all your patience. It is not easy loving us but I believe it is one of the most honourable things you can do. To love someone who doesn't love themselves is heart breaking. But it can also be incredibly rewarding. Just make sure to look after yourself. you can't pour from an empty cup.

A note to my friends,

The four of you show me everyday that you love me. I hate what I put you through and I struggle everyday to live with what I did. Thank you for being patient with me, thank you for reminding me the smallest of things, and most of all thank you for not giving up on me. I ow you my life. You know I would do anything for each of you, and you have shown just how much you are Willing to do for me. I am truly truly blessed. I hope to do you proud. I love you.

"You have been my friend ...That in itself is a tremendous thing." - E.B. White

Italy.

So I became one of those people that so desperately wanted to get out of her home town in hopes that she could somehow fix what was going on in her head, as if the place was somehow to blame. It's crazy what we convince ourselves will help when we are in a bad place. Although it didn't 'fix' anything, it did help.

While I was there we visited a hazelnut farm and this is where I met the most amazing woman, who for some unknown reason just spoke to me so deeply I couldn't ignore it. The crazy thing is we couldn't even communicate properly due to the language barrier, but her face told a thousand stories. I did manage to  find out a little about her, the year she spent in England, when she got married, had children and how she couldn't be away from Italy. Her lifestyle is remarkable, to live is to live off the land. Chickens, pigs, vegetables, chillies and most of all Hazelnuts. The hazelnut farm was eye opening. I defiantly have a new found level of appreciation of Nutella.

Collected and sorted. 

It is amazing how when you just take a moment to look, and I mean really look you can learn so much. Everything about this woman showed me the things that I want in life.

Firstly she made me realise that I do actually want a family one day.  For the past couple years I had convinced myself that I didn't want children. I didn't want to bring anyone into this world who could in anyway turn out to be like me, struggle with what I struggle with or have some of my traits. I didn't want to bring another life into this world, only for them to wish it away. But this was changed. I want a family, children I can mother, and be proud of, to help them not be like me but to love them with the love I know I am capable of. I want to watch them fall in love, have children and be proud to call me mum. Italians have a way of family that I wish England had, a true sense of belonging.

The other biggest impact this woman had on me, was the desire I had to grow old gracefully. Maybe it was the over worked hands, the silver hair, or the wrinkles that she so effortlessly wore. very rarely do you see an elderly woman in England so natural, so untouched. It was pure beauty in my eyes. I hope that one day my body can tell a story to someone someday.

Pure Beauty.

Italy was not easy, there were days when I was physically and emotionally eghaussted, however it was a well needed rest, and some good tim away. It does help in some weird way to leave a place that you live and see parts of the world, and meet new people. I am thankful for the week away and the moments of joy that came with it. I am truly blessed.

The Rainbow

When the clouds are grey and its been raining, and you can't see the sunshine. That is when you see the most beautiful of rainbows. It has always amazed me that after the darkest of storms appears one of the worlds most beautiful of offerings.

A rainbow can mean a thousands different things to a thousand different people. For me a rainbow reminds me of the promise in the Bible, I'm not sure where i would say i am at with my faith but there are somethings that will for ever and always stay with me. For those of you that don't know a rainbow in the Bible is a sign from God that he would never flood the world again after the whole Noah and the ark situation. Rainbow = God keeps his promises. this has been extended further to God keeps all his promises.

For me a rainbow marks hope. Call me cliche, however there are worse things in the world to hold onto. I wish I could say I always hold onto hope, but I don't. In fact I often feel hopeless. But I will say this, sometimes it takes the smallest of things in life to remind you that there is in fact hope, a kind word, a hug from a friend, a smile from a stranger or a rainbow in the sky. All I have to do is keep my head up and my eyes open,

'Dark passenger.'

For those of you that have watched or heard about the series Dexter, should know that its about a serial killer who calls his need to kill his 'dark passenger.' If you haven't watched it I highly recommend it. I am currently on series six out of eight and I am very much enjoying my Dexter journey!!
However like Dexter I too have a dark passenger.
(Don't worry this isn't a blog post where I share that I'm a serial killer and have killed over twentie five  people!!) #Awkward

My dark passenger is  very different however I would say there are some similarities. My dark passenger wasn't invited into my life, it isn't something I want, it gets in the way of normal life, it demands to be felt and it is something that I wish I could leave behind and live without.

My dark passenger is Depression. Most people who know me know that I suffer with Major depressive disorder. (Depression will do ^_^)

You might be thinking great Laura, why you telling us this... well there is a reason. With the help of social media I do believe there is less of a taboo on mental health problems, but I also believe there is still a massive wall for us to climb. I know so many people who live with depression or anxiety and are too ashamed or embarrassed to speak out, and literally suffer in silence. So I'm going to try and shed some light on what living with depression is like, in hope to help those of you that haven't experienced it to try and understand it. I know this is not an easy task because some people just don't get, and others won't get. maybe thats because they don't want to and believe that depression isn't a real thing and people just need to man up. (I've actually heard someone say this and for a while I believed this) To those of you who hold  this opinion, I ask you to have an open mind. Its the cliche saying 'just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't real.'  Believe me its real.

I was in denial for a long time. There was a part of me that believed depression didn't actually exist, and it was just people being mellow dramatic and needing to suck it up and get on with it. I mean really how hard is your life?!? This is not a helpful mindset especially when your being told 'Laura I think you have depression.' I was angry and frustrated. If Im honest, I was pissed off. I didn't want to have depression, I didn't wanna have to depend on pills or go to counselling or see a shrink. I didn't wanna have to deal with all that crap. Why couldn't my brain just be normal!?!? Maybe I felt so negatively about depression because people didn't talk about it, and when they did talk about it, it wasn't very positive or supportive. I had heard what people had said about people with depression, I knew what I felt about depression, I had seen what people were like with depression and I didn't want that. I didn't want people to think I was crazy...... There was of course another aspect of my life that I feel made it all the more difficult. I'm a Christian, and I had read article after article about depression and christians... or antidepressants and christians, and I have to say it wasn't all that helpful or supportive. I was already thinking man I'm a christian I have the joy of Jesus in me I don't wanna take pills to try and keep me happy..... However this changed when someone looked me in the eye and said,
'Laura if you break your leg are you going to go to the hospital and get it sorted or are you going to live in agony with a broken leg...'
Of course I said "well duhhhh I would go to the hospital and get it sorted I just broke my leg!!......"
"Exactly, depression is an illness that needs to be treated just like a broken leg...."

Shit.

They were right. I would love to say that after this conversation I walked away and got everything sorted. I didn't. I had a long and tiring battle. To which I almost lost. But thats a story for another time.

So depression whats it like? Many of my friends have asked me to explain it. Well this is me giving it ago. I shall be as honest as I can.

1) Depression doesn't give you a choice. It's inconvenient.

It doesn't tap you on the shoulder and say hey do you mind if I make you feel like staying in bed all day and not talking to anyone even though I know you have plans with friends? It doesn't say at 4am oh man I should let you get to sleep you've got work in 4 hours. It doesn't ask you if now is a bad time. It just decides that today you will feel like crap and doing anything will be twice as hard as normal.

2) Depression doesn't make sense, It lies and steals.

Yesterday I knew that my friends loved me and wanted to spend time with me. I knew that I wasn't a let down or useless, that I could do what I wanted to do, I could be anyone I wanted to be. But today I'm not even sure if my friends like me? Why am I even bothering with this I'm just a let down? I'm useless I'm not going to amount to anything. No one really cares!

Now I know there are some of you thinking yeah I feel like that sometimes but I don't have depression.... well the only way I can explain it is by using a chapter from one of all time favourite books. Heaven Eyes 

'I saw their eyes glittering, saw their raised claws glinting. They were creatures that had grown in darkness and desolation, mutant life forms, half-dead and half-alive. They grabbed at me as I passed by, they hissed my name, they tried to drag me to them, tried to make me theirs. I kept walking, walking, walking. I walked through my own mind, through my memories and hopes and dreams........... I went down into the deepest darkness until there was nowhere left to go...... The cold and stillness entered my bones. I lay there in the slime as the mutants gathered around me... I moved beyond words, beyond laughter, beyond tears. No hope. No joy. No life. Death grew all around and drew me in.'

Now that may seem all a bit ya know 'depressing' but when I was reading this chapter in my book I was left sitting there thinking that is one of the best descriptions I've ever read of depression. Its not a depressing book. Its a beautiful adventure story. But there in the innocence of this story is a really accurate description of what so many people deal with on a daily basis. Depression sucks you in, it lies to you and helps you to believe the worst.        

                                                               

3) You feel everything and nothing.

Some days you think about everything and anything, somedays every word someone says is either like a knife to the skin or a kiss to the lips. Other days you feel nothing. Words just roll off you, your not happy your not sad your just there. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.... This is possibly one of the most difficult things to explain. I used to imagine that people with depression were just like really sad all the time... and for some that is the case. Some people cry, they cry a lot and are really sensitive. I sometimes get like this, but most of the time I feel nothing. Im still trying to decide which is better. This quote is one of my favourites because its the bittersweetness of feelings. I have been taught to 'stuff my feelings' but you know what sometimes they come in handy.

They say you appreciate something when its gone right? The hardest thing about being numb is when your with friends and your having a 'good time' and your laughing and everyone is laughing but really your just going through the motions and as soon as they leave you back to just being.....

4) Depression doesn't do breaks. 

You know that second when you wake up, but before you have fully woken up, where in that one second you haven't thought about the day or yesterday, that second before your brain has fully kicked in and your just you, that second,,,, is my favourite time of day.
Depression doesn't just go away when you want it to. It doesn't care. It needs you. There are times when I wake up and I just wish that today I could just be normal. I could get up get out of bed go to work hang out with friends and it all be fine. That I wouldn't have to fight anything. I wouldn't have to dig really deep to find the motivation to get dressed. I wouldn't have to pretend to be happy or enthusiastic, but that I would just be happy and enthusiastic.

PLEASE....
Please hear me when I say, It isn't always this bad. Please don't think I sit in my bed everyday wishing I was dead, or that there is no joy in my life. Please don't think that when you have depression life is over and that all those things listed happen. Everyone is different. AND there are so many things you can do to help yourself! Antidepressants is just one way to help. But the truth is everything effects everything. The food you eat, the people you hang around with, the stuff you read, the stuff you watch the exorcise or lack of that you do. It all really does have an effect on you, your body and your mind. Depression can be controlled, it doesn't have to control you. There will still be bad days but they are less.

This has just been one girls honesty about depression. Please don't take what I have said as the gospel truth.

There is one more thing I want to say, If you are reading this and you love someone with depression, please hear me when I say you are valued and amazing. It isn't an easy thing to do. Especially when you can't understand what goes on in their head. Please don't give up. Look after yourself yes! Healthy boundaries yes! But please don't give up on them. We need people like you. I can honestly say, if it wasn't for some of my friends i wouldn't be alive today. You never know how much of an impact your words are going to have on someones life. Words have the power to build up or break down. Choose to be a builder.

To my Friends and family.

Thank you, thank you for loving me when really I have been unlovable. Thank you for supporting me, for reminding me of the goodness, for being with me when I am #needy. For being there for me when I've needed it. Thank you for being patient, thank you for not quitting, even when i have tried to. Thank you for sitting with me in the darkness and helping me to look up. Thank you for the hope.
Please know I love you, i value you and i appreciate you.


'Erin Law! Erin Law!
her voice echoed through the alleyways and buildings and found its way through the dangling door, past the ghosts and mutants, into my deep darkness.'

Words are powerful.

God Bless

LOOK UP

This topic is something really close to my heart, people who know me, know that I love people, I love to be around people, laugh with people, serve people, help people, care for people and all other things you can do with people. However there is a group of people that have stolen my heart, these people are 'young people' I have a passion for young people, especially the young people who are;

Lost, hurting, confused, abused, forgotten, unloved, depressed, broken, bullied, outcast, addict, drunk, druggie, abusive, violent and ungrateful. 

Young people are the next generation of people, their the future;

Doctors, carers, police officers, nurses, teachers, lawyers, paramedics, judges, cashiers, shop assistants, scientists, inventors, artists, writers and all the other jobs. 

This is why I love them, I look at young people, even the ones described above, and all I see is potential, I see the people who one day I shall look to for help, so while I can and while I am capable I want to help them, encourage them, support them and be there for them. Jesus is there for everyone, and we are his hands and feet....

I'm going to talk about something that may seem off topic, but actually this 'thing' is consuming our world, its disconnecting us from each other, this 'thing' spreads like poison and is more addictive then heroin, most people don't even realise it. 

What do you do before bed? what is the first thing you do when you wake up, before you have even gotten out of bed? What do you do when you are on the train or on the bus? What do you do when you feel awkward or uncomfortable? What do you do in the doctors surgery while you wait? 

This 'thing', is teaching our children and young people that its okay to sit in doors all day, apposed to being with friends and family, this 'thing' has made us the most connected and most disconnected generation to ever walk the earth.

Have you figured it out yet? This 'thing' I am referring too is our phones, our iPads, our computers. This 'divide of delusion' that we use everyday to stay 'connected'.

The other day I was at a small house party, and in one of the quieter moments between people 'raving' i glanced round to see everyone in the room on their phones. It was crazy there we were a room full of friends and a room full of antisocial friends. I find myself often saying enjoy they people in the room!! not the ones on your phone! I know I not innocent of this, and I hate it! so much!

I came across this video a week or so ago and I've watched it like 15 times! I think its brilliant! So this is why I am blogging about this subject. below is the link to the video

LOOK UP

Are there times where you find yourself in a social situation but sit on your phone?

Enjoy the people in the room, not the ones on your phone.

God Bless

'Everything Everywhere'

So I don't normally review things other than books really, and I haven't done a book review on my blog yet.... But right now I'm going to share my expierence of a certain company, that has angered me greatly, they false advertise and i am fairly dependent on them everyday!!

This company is the phone network EE! Oh my gosh I can't explain the frustration I have with them. I know everyone has different expierences with their phone companies and some of you may sing EEs praises, I  however do not.

What a lie

The signal has been dreadful to the point that having a phone is redundant, 4G.. What even is it? I've never got it on my phone turns out my area does not even have it!

What frustrates me isn't that signal is crap and my 4G, and most of the time 3G is awful it's that EE means 'everything everywhere' I get nothing anywhere!!!! It infuriates me! And the customer service hasn't been great either I was talking to one of the customer service people and they just left half way through! Not to mention the up in phone contract price! I wouldn't mind but my phone contract is ridiculous! 

So I am strongly advising people don't go with EE, there not that great, right now I dont have full signal and honestly I don't think I ever have. What a disappointment! 

Have you had any bad expierences with phone contracts please share in the comments!!! 

God bless  

Taxi drivers....

Okay so I have a theory that I would like to share with you.

Taxi drivers are going to take over the world. 

Think about it some people get scared that the world is going to be over taken by aliens or whatever else, but if All the taxi drivers in the world out their heads together on some big ass Facebook group set to private we could be doomed. They quite possibly could know every road ever! All the shortcuts... Well long cuts. Deserted places..... It could happen you know! 

Also, isn't it annoying that when it hits about midnight and the roads become quite'er taxi drivers are EVERYWHERE! And they act as if they own the bloomin road... Now I know I just blogged about gossip and slander, Im not trying to slag off taxi drivers, I just think there all aliens that may take over the workd. 

I haven't quite decided what they shall do once they take over the world but I'm sure it will be exciting.  Hopefully Jesus will rock up before the taxi drivers realise the power they hold in numbers.

So yes taxi drivers are aliens and they shall take over the world.

God Bless the ramblings of a tired student. 

How does Moses like his tea....

Hebrews it!!!

WHEYYY!

Okay this is a terrible joke not just because it's a cheesy Christian one, but also because Moses wasn't even Hebrew! I'm pretty sure he wasn't anyway! 

There is a reason I started with this awful joke, I have just been reading Hebrews 12 1-13, wow. It's not like majorly spiritual or even that deep but it really just made things click in my head.

Vrs 9 'We have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it.'

Okay maybe we didn't at the time and the Bible takes that into consideration, because in Vrs 11 'no discipline seems pleasent at the time, but painful.'

When you are being disciplined or suffering consequences for past actions it is really friggen hard! Sometimes it really hurts too! Over the summer this was deffinatly something God was teaching me, I think I blogged on it... Yeah it's called consequences! Funny that! Anyway, what I liked about this section in Hebrews is it's saying endure the hardship, God is treating you as his children! And also it says that God disciplines us for our own good! 

Vrs 10 earthly fathers discipline is for a little while as they thought best, but God disciplines us for our own good, that we may SHARE in his holiness. 

I know a lot of people who struggle to relate to God as their dad, but ultimately that is what he is the dad of dads....he is the ultimate dad! Everything he does is for our good! It's not because he wants to hurt or punish us or watch us squirm in pain and be unhappy, he wants us to grow be strong, learn and SHARE IN HIS HOLINESS! 

The other half of Vrs 11 says later on, 'however, it produces a harvest of rightousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.' 

Discipline is a good thing, it helps us learn and grow. The reason why I'm blogging about this is because to some of you this may be really obveiouse but it just clicked in my head. 

I had God down as this father who is gracious, loving, loyal, slow to anger, just, rightouse, holy and the list goes on. 

He is all those things but because he is our father and just and loving and all the rest he disciplines his children so that they can grow and learn and share in his holiness. 

It can be really hard to understand why someone who loves you is disciplining you, when your in the middle of discipline or dealing with the consequences of your actions, but actually you will grow and be a better person because of it. And also God is so gracious that you will still go on to do amazing things even if you did bodge something up significantly well! Believe me my life is loving proof of that! 

So if you take anything away from this it's that God is the dad of dads.

Tongue....

Us girls love to talk. We love to talk about everything, clothes, boys, TV, celebs, food, houses, cars, beauty and money. Ultimately though we are very good at talking about each other.

Gossip. 

It is poison amungts friends and sweet amungts enimies. 

I have been really challenged by the things that come out of my mouth and the big book is always telling us how powerful our words are and what comes out of our mouths! I found over 100 verses in the Bible that talk about the tongue and our words! Over 100! 

One that really stuck out at me was;

Matthew 12:36-37 

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Wow, someone once said to me or I read it somewhere, imagine if All the words we spoke we're written on our bodies for all to see....' We would so think twice about what we would say. 

It's really easy to get sucked into a bitching session or sharing a juicy bit of gossip about someone, I know because I do it! 

I have seen people's lives been run and ruined by gossip. Truly a life of misery. It builds no one up because not only have you just slated a friend or even a complete stranger like celebrities, okay so we see and hear a small portion if their lives and how often do we hear someone say so and so is such a bitch! What a slag... Like Miley Cyrus what a dick, half naked on a wrecking ball seriously!? 

And yes she was a muppet to do that (in my humble opinion) but be don't actually have a friggen clue about her, her life, family, background her character which is fundamentally what makes us who we are. We only see what she and the media want us to see. 

But you have just betrayed, trust and also shown the people around you that you do gossip and slag people off and ultimately if you can do that about someone else with them, then who's to say you don't do it with someone else about them! Trust is broken.

This was just an example of how easy it is to gossip and slag people off. But that verse is saying well by your own words you will be judged. This is what helped me get my head around the whole love God fear God thing. I was like how can I fear him  and love him!!! 

The only way I can explain it is like when you do something quite bad wrong and you need to tell your dad and you know he's gunna hit the roof but ya gotta tell him and your scared, it's kind of like that, you still love him but gosh in that moment the fear takes over and you start practicing that little speech of, ah dad I'm so sorry I will never do it again please forgive me I will do anything you want cut the grass... Ect. 

Our words are powerful. What we say about each other is so important! My DNA year tought me that. Just think about things people have said about you good or bad they stick. If you tell someone they are ugly all the time there going to start to believe it and that's because they are powerful! 

Gossip is one of the things the devil loves the most because he doesn't even have to do anything he just sits back and watches you destroy each other, it breaks my heart the things that come out of my mouth sometimes, i really need to think before i speak!! 

I'm asking God at the moment to search my heart and to help me to become more aware of what I say and who too. 

Is there anything that you want God to search your heart for? 

Anything you do that you know isn't good for you or the people around you? 

Just something to ponder on! 

God bless 

TFTC

I'm not sure how well known this whole geocaching thing is but I absolutely love it! I have only known about for a few months now, and like everyone in my life has never Hurd about it! It's amazing! 

So if you don't know what it is, I describe it as like a massive treasure hunt all over the world! Where you basically go places and find various shaped and sized boxes,containers, film canisters Ect and they have little goodies in, you sign the log book and you swap, so you can only take something out if you put something in! 

It is so much fun aswel! It gets you out the house and exploring! Now I don't know about you, but I LOVE adventures, the people that know me well know that if you say adventure I'm there! So this is a great way of going on little adventures and the best thing about it is, ITS FREE! (unless you drive some where then petrol)

It's great to take kids aswel, they get to look and get really excited about finding one when they do! 

I'm 21 and me and all my friends of various ages love it! The pastor and his wife of my church up north did it all the time all over the world! 

But Do you know what I love most about the whole thing? 

Is that it has restored some of my faith back into the world. I love the fact that I haven't come across a single geocach that isn't there because someone has stolen it or ruined it, that people respect it and enjoy it, and help others to enjoy it too! It would be so easy for someone to ruin it and steal, I'm sure it has happened but I am yet to see it! That makes my heart so happy. 

It may only be something small but it reminds me that the world isn't all bad, and that actually something really simple like hiding a sandwhich box in the woods has been going for a few years and it hasn't had to stop due to people stealing or ruining it! 

1000s of people take part all over the world! I was completely blown away by it when I Hurd about it and everytime I actually find a cache it makes my heart smile that little bit more at the fact it is still there! 

If this is your first time ever hearing about it check out the website - http://www.geocaching.com

Or download the app at the App Store! 

It may change every walk or holiday you ever go on! 

Some little tips that I've picked up;

Don't let people know your geocaching while your geocaching, be discreat, I'm not sure why that's a thing maybe it's to prevent people who don't know and love It from finding it and taking it away as some cool thing they just found! 

Make sure you put something in before you take something out! There are a lot of families that do this so it's really nice to keep things in to if not for the adults but for the kids! It must be the coolest thing ever to find something and get to take a bit of 'treasure' out of it and home with you! Also kids probably put some of there favourite things in those little boxes! 

And the rest I'm afraid you will have to find out on your own! It's really fun trust me and the geocaching world is so lovely! So if this has inspired you then I am glad! Enjoy your little adventures! 

Here's some snaps from geocaching! 

God Bless

New season

Wow what a rollercoaster couple of months it has been!

I've lost my job and moved back down south! Not to mention essay deadlines! 

All this means I have just been awful at keeping my blog up to date. Now that I have the mobile app this means I can blog wherever whenever, which is really handy for me as I like to write things in the moment as apposed to after! Especially When God is talking to me! 

So what's been going on, well as I said I've lost my job, there are many reasons why all of which will help me grow! It was a sad time saying goodbye to all my northern family, friends and young people, I had finally made myself a nice little life up there I was really happy! God had really broken my heart for Lymm and all the young people, so it was really really hard to leave, however It has been an amazing faith growing year and a half up there! It has not been easy, far from it but I am glad I've been though it! I have had to do a lot of growing up to do, It's scary being a grown up. 

So I now live with my parents again, that's really wierd! It's been almost 3 years since I first moved out on DNA and although I have popped back for holidays and stuff it's odd living here. Mum and dad don't know Jesus yet, so it's an interesting dynamic, especially when we talk about jobs and money! 

I thank Jesus that I have friends and family to come back too! I may be jobless but there is so much to be thankful for! : ) 

I did get a new hamster just before I left the north! So I have a bit of the north with me : ) 

This is Gordon George (baby GG) I just call him George he's very cute! : ) 

So my plans, well I have one more 6000 word essay to submit then I have finished my diploma but I'm pretty sure I shall carry on to do the degree, I know I'm not great at a lot of things but if I have learnt anything over the last 18 months it's that God has given me a heart for young people, the young people that the media always paint in black and that people in public would cross the street to avoid. They are who I want to work with. I have a lot to learn and a lot of growing up to do but I am so excited for the next chapter of my journey with Jesus! Is shall so my best to keep this updated! : )

Thanks for reading! 

God bless 

Laura-Ann 

Add me on twitter 

https://twitter.com/Lauramorris8

I'm a princess...

So a few months ago i found myself saying this phrase on numerous occasions 'Do you feel like a princess?'
It was my first experience of wedding dress shopping. Now i must say that what you watch on the television is all a lie. There is no champagne. This, i was highly disappointed with. However i was highly impressed with the size of the mirrors they had.

The shop its self was pretty boring, the carpet was a dark cream colour kind of like coffee... and had stains on it. It didn't smell all that amazing either the room not the carpet... 

The rails were full of ivory coloured wedding gowns, with only two or three actual white dresses. So many to choose from. A lot of bling bling in this particular shop. I always imagined that i would walk into a wedding dress shop and be like WOW all of them are beautiful but this was not my reaction i was somewhat disappointed. There were many beautiful dresses but i guess I'm more fussy than i first thought. There were 2 women working in the shop that day. They were sisters. It is a family business.  One was slightly over weight, long blond hair starting to go silver at the top, big beautiful smile, lovely woman. Really friendly, quite a bubbly personality very helpful. Married 4 children. Her sister however came across the opposite. Blunt, not very friendly, looked rather stroppy. She walked in high heels, but she couldn't really walk in them. we shall call the bubbly sister, Bubbles and the stroppy sister..... stroppy.

I was very grateful when we turned up for our appointment at 3, after the high heel walking sister had booked us in, to find that the bubbly sister was the one who would be assisting me and Bird with the wedding dress adventure. She was very helpful and helped us when we needed. Me and bird picked out 4 dresses to start with 3 were of the fish tale kind 1 was a 'princess' dress and the other was a plain looking dress which was actually a brides maid dress. After we had picked some dresses to try we were shown to the changing room. I was amazed with the mirrors. They were ginourmas!  Bird went into which was basically a small section covered in massive curtains. I kept my self busy, taking pictures in the massive mirrors whilst asking bubbles lots of weird and wonderful questions.

Me keeping myself occupied, with the massive mirrors. 

 (I love asking questions, its like the best way to get to know people and its really handy if people are not very natural at flowing conversations.) So i waited while Bubbles and Bird were in the changing room and there was dress on the floor and a oo here and whoops sorry think i pulled the pin out, sounded  a little messy. Then Bubbles opened the curtain and there was my Bird.

WOW! the first thing i said was do you feel like a princess birdie!? ( i asked her this every time she tried a new dress on) you look like one! I have to be honest, i don't really like fishtail type dresses, they just don't do it for me. However birdie did look beautiful. Beautiful lace and detail was just amazing. The next 2 dresses were of similar style one was a high neck lace dress the other had little lacy straps. Then she tried on the one i found.

It was a very simple dress no big train, not big and fluffy but boy oh boy i fell in love! it suited her perfectly it was so beautiful. I was like Bird you look like a princess! Bird tried on one more dress this one was white, it was a nice dress but it was very white!

We left the shop and sat in burger king and pondered on our experience. I was so proud of Birdie, she isn't a fan of crowds and lots of people but we managed to stay out all day. I was privileged to have her arm wrapped in mine as we walked through the people in and out of shops.
I new Bird had her heart set on a dress she had tried on the day before, she showed me a picture of her in the dress and oh my gosh it was beautiful and it was everything birdie wanted in a dress. So it was between 2. The simple dress from Bubbles shop. or the princess dress from the day before.
The big difference was the price. I said well if she got the simple dress she could have all the extras hair, makeup, nails. All done professionally. So i said

'Throw a coin, because while it is in the air you decide which one you want.'

I can't take credit for this i had read it somewhere who knows how long ago but it has stuck with me. Bird was like 'core bird thats deep, where you hide that one!' i was like i have a few pearls hidden ya know :)

Anyways. It was a good experience.

Bird has the Dress she dreamed off. it wasn't the simple one but was the princess dress. Our Daddy  (God) stepped in and cut the price for her. I am so excited for my Bird. The man she is marrying is one of the loveliest gentlemen i have ever had the privilege of meeting and i can't wait for her big day.

Until then, we have wedding planning and ideas to bat around. I'm sure i shall blog about some other bits and bobs before her wedding in september! Its all a new experience for me!

thanks for reading!
God bless

Me and my Bird

Whoops.

I am so bad at blogging... i was totally ready to go and was like yeah man, I'm going to blog every week.... I'm lucky if i remember every month! whoops! my bad.

Life gets in the way sometimes don't you think? When your busy at work come home, then got to sort the kids out. (I don't have kids so i can't pretend like thats my excuse) or you're just too tired and veg out in front of the TV, you got work up to your eyeballs and can't concentrate on anything else, your at uni and you feel guilty if your not doing anything other than your essays. There are so many things that get in the way. The main reason i forget to blog is I'm too busy living life and enjoying real peoples company! i wouldn't change it for the world!!

Anyways, what i wanted to say was i hope you had a lovely christmas and a really fun NYE! hoping that 2014 already is bringing new adventures and much needed joy into your lives! :)
I am really looking forward to 2014! Not only because it is an even number, but i feel feel like this year is going to bring a new big adventure! I LOVE ADVENTURES! I am known by friends for adventures, doesn't matter when but some says adventure and I'm there! call me old fashioned but i love the outdoors!

2014 for me is a year of thankfulness on my Facebook i am posting a photo a day everyday. I'm hoping by doing this it will change not only my view of life but others. So very often do we concentrate on the negatives of life and not the positives, There is something to be thankful for everyday!

Here was my first thankful photo;

New Years. Era Party. Family